


Ghosts

by hilaryfaye



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:04:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hilaryfaye/pseuds/hilaryfaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He called it his talent—he could feel lonely anywhere. It followed him around like a ghost, clutching at his sleeve like a lost child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghosts

The most familiar feeling in the world to Anderson was loneliness.

He called it his talent—he could feel lonely anywhere. It followed him around like a ghost, clutching at his sleeve like a lost child.

He’d been lonely when he six and Mum gave all of her attention to his new sister. He’d been lonely when Mum’s depression took her to her bed and he was left to take care of Penny, keeping her out of trouble as best he could. He was lonely when he went to school and hardly anyone talked to him.

He’d been able to keep it at bay hidden in the library, reading all of the paleontology books he could get his hands on, but that ghost always came creeping back when the librarian, with her sad eyes, told him it was time for him to go home.

Loneliness clung to him as he got older and Dad started coming home drunk. He could feel it in his clothes when Dad died, and Mum was still in the clutches of her own ghost. He could taste it in the air when Penny started to go wild, and he could tell she was getting high. He tried to help her, he did, but Penny didn’t want his help. “You’re not Dad so stop bloody well trying to be.”

He didn’t want to be Dad. He only wanted to keep that ghost from clutching at him. What if his ghost became like Mum’s? If Loneliness brought home Depression, and if Depression brought home Addiction? A pretty picture they’d all make then.

So to keep the ghost at bay he studied. One science bled into another, and he found himself packing the ghost into his bags to go away to university. Mum was getting better—she was seeing a therapist, she had some medication, but Penny wasn’t. Penny’s ghosts were violent, and there was no saving her.

Loneliness nestled itself between his shirts and his books, weighing him down as he left that house. He had resigned himself to the fact that it would follow him everywhere, and that he would always feel this ghost holding the back of his shirt.

For a few years, it was that way. He felt that ghost sitting on his shoulders when he called Mum on Sundays. He felt it hanging around his neck when he never heard anything from Penny. He felt it wrapped around his ankles when he was lying in his bed, unable to sleep, wishing something—anything—would make Loneliness go away.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

He looked up from his books. No one ever came up to this part of the library, really. It was the quietest place to study—so quiet it was easy to lose himself in the books and forget Loneliness.

But he’d seen her up here once before. Her name was Jenna Callahan. He’d met her at a party to which he’d been invited out of politeness, and again when she’d been crying in this part of the library, thinking herself alone. She’d given him her number, but he hadn’t been brave enough to call her.

She was smiling a little uncertainly at him. He was smart enough to know this was his last chance.

“Yes, yes of course.” He smiled back at her.

She slid into the chair across from him, pulling out her books. Shakespeare, twentieth century English poetry, The Catcher in the Rye. “I thought you might call me,” she said.

“Sorry, I’m, um, not very good with phones.” He had completely forgotten his studying. Jenna fiddled with one of her earrings, and glanced up at him.

“Neither am I,” she admitted, and smiled. “Thought I’d come back here to test the waters one more time.”

“I’m glad you did,” he blurted, immediately embarrassed.

Her smile broadened. God, she was pretty. She thumbed the edge of her book, but she wasn’t really paying attention to it. She looked deep in thought for a moment, and then she looked at him again. Anderson realized with some embarrassment that he hadn’t looked away from her since she sat down.

“Do you want to go out for drinks sometime?”

He must have done something right, because Jenna stuck around. She called him sometimes, and he called her. She would show up in the library when he was studying and just sit down next to him without saying anything. Jenna was easy to talk to, and she listened. She remembered.

Just seeing her face drove Loneliness away, sunlight to a shadow.

Anderson knew that he didn’t want to go a day without hearing her voice.

She had her own ghosts. She called them Anxiety and Depression, though Loneliness was familiar to her too. She said sometimes there was nothing she could do to chase them away, and the best thing was to step back, and just watch them for a while. “But,” she added, a little shyly, “I don’t notice it as much when I’m with you.”

She came back to his flat one night for dinner, though she ended up helping him make it. “You’re helpless in the kitchen,” she giggled.

Jenna just seemed so… comfortable, in her own skin, even with her ghosts hanging around her. Like she’d grown used to them, accepted them, made them a part of her.

“You can’t help them, you know?” she said, lying next to him on the narrow bed. It was some god-awful hour of the morning. “Everyone’s got something, and you’ve just got to… carry on.”

Anderson traced his fingers down her arm, tucking his head against her shoulder. There wasn’t another person in the world like Jenna.

He was startled awake later by someone pounding on the front door. Jenna was still asleep, the blankets pulled up to her neck. Anderson climbed out of bed, pulling on his trousers as he went to answer the door.

It was Penny. He hadn’t seen his sister face to face for almost two years. She looked like hell.

“Penny, what’re you doing here?” He squinted, not quite believing his eyes.

She rubbed at her face, bouncing anxiously on her feet. Penny wouldn’t quite look him in the eye. “I need your help,” she said, finally. She didn’t look like she was high.

He drove her to the clinic with white knuckles. They didn’t say a word to each other on the drive there. Penny sniffled and looked out the window, and Anderson hated her more and more with every second.

It was a new feeling, Hate. He had done everything he could to help her before, and now she asked this of him.

If she’d let him, he could have helped her years ago.

He kept an eye on his watch while he waited. If Jenna woke up and he was still gone, she’d want to know why. Anderson wasn’t sure he could tell her this.

Penny came back with her arms crossed over her chest. She climbed into the car and stared at her knees.

“I’m driving you to the bus station,” Anderson said.

“Why?”

“You should go stay with Mum for a while. Put yourself back together.”

“Haven’t got any money.”

He dug into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, handing her a wad of cash. He knew better than to actually think she’d go home. “Don’t come back to my flat, Penny.”

His sister looked at him for a long moment. “Got a girlfriend, have you?”

He nodded.

“She pretty?”

Anderson nodded again. He stared out at the street.

“And you don’t want her to know about me.”

“Oh, she knows about you,” Anderson said, “I just don’t want her to meet you.” He started the car.

Penny was quiet until they reached the bus station. “You must love her, if you want to keep her away from the rest of us so bad.”

Anderson didn’t say anything.

“You want to take care of her, I guess. That’s all you ever bloody well do, take care of people. You don’t ever take care of yourself.”

“Being with Jenna is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself,” Anderson replied. “Seeing as how you were never grateful for the things I did for you, you’re not in much of a position to judge.”

“Yeah, sure,” Penny said.

“It’s not like you’ve done a bang-up job of taking care of yourself.”

Penny winced. “Alright, alright. But I’m just saying, you’re gonna run out of people to take care of, and you’re gonna need somebody to look after you.”

“Get out of my car, Penny.” He waited until she was walking towards the bus stop to pull away from the curb, feeling cold.

Loneliness was close by again.  _Hello,_ Anderson thought,  _I didn’t miss you._

He felt Loneliness hanging from his shoulders as he climbed the steps to his flat. He felt it seeping into his clothes as he shut the door behind him, and went back to bed.

Jenna stirred as he climbed in next to her. “Where were you?” she yawned.

“Had to do something, I’ll tell you in the morning.” He hoped she’d forget.

Jenna nestled against him, sighing a bit. Anderson put his arms around her and tried to get back to sleep.

He could still feel those ghosts, sitting nearby, and waiting. 


End file.
